just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
