I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
