WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
i think i just lost a toe
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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