Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
