Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
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i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
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I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
the raccoons are back...
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