I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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