i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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