You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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