flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
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I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
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How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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