did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
my liver is dry heaving
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
