I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
