I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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