sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
