I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
