what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
