it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Randomize
