Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
