I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
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