I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
