the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
