Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
