I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
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I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
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That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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