Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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