I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
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I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
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Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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