Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Canadian or clown?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!