you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?