I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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