Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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