He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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