apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
