Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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