life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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