When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
