just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
We need a shit load of segways right now
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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