Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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