and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
im six kinds of drunk right now
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
