Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
