I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
