Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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