bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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