the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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