hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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