I hate all girls vehemently.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
