some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
