how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
