Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
