Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
