glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He better not be in your backpack
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
