When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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