Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
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