Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
