then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
