Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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