forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
