Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
