Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
