I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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