Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
