I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
he shaved USA in his pubs
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
