I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
