He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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