dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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