If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
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