I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
