My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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