what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
