How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
