why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you traded sex for a burrito?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
