Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
