i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
